Why I Kept a Quit: (very long)
From SilverRain on 9/9/2001 12:43:57 PM



Quite a while ago now
a lot of long-time quitsters were posting
"I lost it" messages.

I had just become a doc
dropped me a qmail to say:
why do some keep a quit and some not?

here was my return post to her:
what an interesting question ... why some keep a long-term quit and others
don't. let's talk about it until we figure out some answers --

yes, I think I did understand what you meant about knowing this quit was THE quit ...
"I knew I would keep this quit. It wasn't like I had a feeling this was THE QUIT.
I was just determined to MAKE this quit THE QUIT. I refused to fail ..."

zackly what I meant. when I quit? I DECIDED.
the end
I won't smoke any more
no matter what.

included in that no matter what was the self-statement, "I am willing to suffer." i
had decided, up front and going into this quit, that it *really* didn't matter what
happened, how bad I felt, what kind of triggers blew off, how many people
hated me ... etc etc. I had decided
I won't smoke
no matter what

just like you have. cuz you cannot get to five months without some sort of similar commitment.

I will keep my quit because I am not going to smoke again no matter what. and
yes some days have been very difficult and I have wanted a smoke badly. but
just as in the beginning, I am willing to suffer.

so, willingness to endure has to be a factor. has to be.

and realistic expectations must be another factor.
some folks i've met here on the Q apparently believe that within 24 hours of
quitting all their symptoms should be gone, or almost gone. and that if in a
week, or six, or sixteen they are still yearning for their drug that it must be a
*sign* that they (special they) just CANNOT quit, cannot be expected to endure
this pain (which is SO much greater than other peeps ...)

I expected it to be hard (it was. in spades)
I expected withdrawal to last a long time (how long? I don't really know. but i
smoked for 38 years. was an active drug addict for goodness sakes, for 38 years.
I was prepared, really, for withdrawal to take a year or more. just within the last
month it's become easy -- note: that is not *gone* or no cravings ... but it is
easy. surprised me really. I expected it to last much longer. I was very very
hooked for a very very long time.

addiction
we ARE addicts. and we can never again use our drug of choice. if we have even
one, even one puff, we will be readdicted at the same level where we quit. i
believe this. i've seen it in action. I know the junkie will lie to me. know it deep
within myself. I know I will want to believe the lie ... the "just one" lie. the "you
can always quit again" lie. the "it's too hard" lie.

I know none of them are true. regardless of how much I want to believe any of
them, I have decided that no matter what (including how good the lie sounds
and how much my addict self wants a hit), no matter what I will not smoke.
that I am willing to suffer. that I will not smoke.

difficulty of quit.
I suffered. it was dreadful. and I never never never want to do it again. at present?
I remember clearly what the first week was like, esp. day two.
a real true bitch of a day. I never want to do it again. never.
some people i've met here have had "easy quits" in their own words....
many many of them have lost a quit, fairly late in the game.

many of the recent falls were people I got clean with ... or thereabouts. and
they were of two (and sometimes both) types. they were the Easy Quitsters
(and their junkies talk about "you can always do it again! it was so easy!! so
what if you slip/fall...")

or they were another kind, the Euphoric Quitter -- the I hate smoking! i'm so
glad glad glad! quitster. I flat don't understand them. don't understand how
someone would smoke for 25 years and all the time hate smoking! and I don't
understand how they couldn't not miss smoking!

me? I loved smoking and would be smoking today if the penalties weren't so
big. COPD is a very bad way to die. I don't mind dying (not a bit. in fact i'm a
rather suicidal kind of person ... ) but lord, I don't want to go that way. it's
awful. have you ever watched someone die of that disease?

so i'm a respectful afraid quitster. afraid of how hard it was to quit. and afraid of
slowly strangling to death.

and I also think that this may be my only quit ... that I may not get another
chance. I don't know why I feel that and maybe it's not true... but for me, I am
treating this quit as tho I may not have another recovery in me. so I am unwilling
to lose this quit for several solid (to me) reasons.

I read every single post about slipping. now there's a word for ya! for me? one
puff wouldn't be a slip. it would be reset the meter. in my heart, I don't think a
puff is a slip. I think it's a class A fall. utter and complete. so maybe that's
another reason I don't listen to my junkie side. I am unwilling to reset to zero.
not for me the subract-one-day subset. smoke-free is smoke-free. so the stakes
are high to me because the meter is meaningful. not in any real sense, it's a
cybercounter ... but in what those numbers represent to me. the incredible
effort i've expended to get here. how hard it was. how I may not get another chance.

anyway, I read every slip/fall post. and none of them has been cheery or happy.
every single slipper/faller has been devastated and sad. many never make it
back here. many take months and sometimes years to get back. and they all
report, "it wasn't worth it."

those posts have the ring of truth. and I believe them. and I don't want to feel like that.

it has nothing to do with self-esteem. I don't think much of myself. i'm not
anti-me, just have never had much self-esteem. so count that out as a
significant factor (at least not in *all* quits!)

but way way way down here (God i'm sorry for just going on and on and on and
on. I can't help it! it's just happening...) way down here, what do I think?
I think after two months quit? I think we give our quits away ... and I think we
know as we do it that we are giving them away. why? cuz essentially we are
addicts and we didn't remember the first rules: just don't smoke
no matter what.

you felt that. said that. have done that. and are doing that. and you'll keep your
quit as long as you keep doing those first two things.

now let me ask you the same question:

in the past four and a half months you have faced great temptations. why
haven't you picked up a smoke?

I love you for asking!
what a great topic!

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