(sadly, a lot of these links no longer work.but those who loved her will never forget. )

View Testimonial

member since 4/24/2003

real name Barb

email barbkott@cox.net

homepage http://community.webshots.com/user/moppet39

gender Female

country US

birthday 6/26/1939

zip 67501

more about me
4/29/03 This morning when I got up and went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette, I panicked! I was thinking that tomorrow was my quitting date. I still very much want to quit but I am scared. I enjoy so much sitting out there, smoking and listening to the birds waking up (4:45 A.M.). I have to find something else that I can enjoy doing out there when I first get up.

5/31/03 I did quit on 5/1 but made it only 4 days. I thought that I could get just one cigarette from my son and I would be ok. That was not a good idea. One was not enough and I went out and bought a pack - and another pack, etc. I set my new quit date for 5/12/03. I am now on day 20. I could not have made it without the help of Quit.net. Everyone has been so helpful. At times I was given advice I didn`t want to hear but they were being honest. I still don`t feel real strong but I am making it.
One of the things that has helped me the most is reading other people`s profiles. Some of them have quit under such adversity that I feel that surely I can do it. Also, I am beginning to consider them friends who I do not want to let down by smoking again. At the same time, I realize that I have to do it for myself.

6/4/03 I just learned a valuable lesson today. Because of something that was said this morning in the chat room, I think I understand why I have been having such a hard time the last 3 days. You see, I`ve been using a Nicotine Inhaler which is shaped like a cigarette. I am beginning to think that it is possibly one of the things that is causing me to want a cigarette. I`m not sure what I am going to do. Now I have to break this habit. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it! The one thing that I do know, is that I have to get out of this gloomy, negative attitude.
I started out by saying that I had learned a valuable lesson and kind of got side tracked. The lesson is to ask the advice of members of the Q that have gone through all of this. They have a lot to offer and possibly save us newbies some problems. They can`t help us if we don`t ask.


6/12/03
This is my 1 month anniversary. Yes, I should be extremely happy & proud but I am not. I don`t really know why. I guess I am proud that I have stayed smoke-free for a whole month but at the same time I am depressed. Crazy, huh???
My sadness intensified this afternoon when I learned that one of my best friends (who I met here) is leaving the Q. Yes, she has a good reason but I hate loosing her.
I`m not going to ramble on any more. It won`t serve any purpose. Hopefully by the time I reach my 2 month anni. I will be feeling better about the whole thing.
Please don`t get me wrong, I am not going to start smoking again.

June 26, 2003
The last two days have been very hard. On the 24th I got upset about something (it was such a dumb thing that I would rather not go into detail) and I decided that I HAD to have a cig. My son was not home so I went to his room to see if I could find just one cig. He had at least 8 - 10 paks laying around but every one was empty. I had no $ to go buy a pkg. so I did not smoke. I would have if I had found one. I didn`t know that I was so weak after 43 days quit.

I have decided that I need to change my attitude about quitting before it is too late. Yes, I really do want to remain quit but if I don`t change something, it will not happen.

7/23 03

I do think that my attitude is changing in so far as I now believe that I can remain smoke-free. However, I realize that I am still very vulnerable and must remain on my guard. I have definately given up on the idea that at some point I can smoke `a` cigarette and I will be fine. I now absolutely know that this is not correct.

My urge or desire to smoke is still strong especially when i get in the car or when I am in the store. Hopefully this will diminish soon.

7/26/03

My virtual pet is a Norwegian Elkhound. I once had one of these magnificent dogs. Her name was Kavik and I loved her dearly.

I chose this breed because they possess many qualities that I feel will help me remain quit.

This dog is very loyal --- I need to be loyal to myself in regard to the vow I took on May 12, 2003 saying that I will never smoke again.

My pet is a smart dog --- I need to be smart enough to recognize the nicodemon when he tries to sneak up on me.

A Norwegian Elkhound is strong --- I need to have a strong character that can say `no` to the nicodemon.

My dog does have one unusual aspect --- his name! It is Morris! You see, I wanted my pet to be an independent thinker. You know, like when you call a cat, he comes only if he wants to. If I listen to the nicodemon, it will be only if I want to. He can not make me do something I don`t want to do.

I hope you like my virtual pet; most of all, I hope Morris WILL help me KTQ!


8/12/03

This is my 3 month anniversary and I truely feel like this has been the turning point for me. This is the first anni I have not ended up in tears. I know that sounds dumb but it is true. I realize that I may still have some rough times, but I do think the hardest part is over.

8/20/0
my 100 Day Ramble

Wow!!! 100 days ago, if you had told me that I would still be smoke-free after 100 days, I would have said you were crazy! 99% of my family and friends would have said the same thing. I had tried countless times to quit. None of these attempts lasted longer than 4 days. What has made the difference? You all know that answer. The Q of course and in particular, the chat room. When I think of the Quitnet chat room, I think of one of my favorite songs: `The Wind Beneath My Wings`. You people in the chat room have been the wind beneath my wings that let me fly from day 1 to day 100. I would like to quote some excerpts from that song:

`Did you know that you`re my hero
And everything I would like to be
I can fly higher than an eagle
`Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoted
(The wind beneath my wings)
But I`ve got it all here in my heart
(The wind beneath my wings)
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know
I would be nothing without you

Thank you, thank you
Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.`

I mean those words with every fiber of my heart!

The kite I am flying today also follows along these same thoughts.
First of all it a traditonal kite - you know, the diamond shape. People my age tend to be a lttle more traditional. However, I am feeling so good today that I also want to be a lttle wild. It has a florescent green background; a bonfire
made of cigarettes; tall red and yellow flames toped with a skull and crossbones; black lettering that says; Begone Nicodemon! Attached to the bottom of the kite is the traditional tail. - a long strip of cloth with smaller pieces tied to it about every six inches. On these cross pieces of the tail are the names of my Q buddies who have been so very helpful. I would like
to mention your names but I am too afraid of omitting someone by accident and that would never do! I`m sure you will be able to see your name on one of the cross pieces if you have ever helped me. With the help of this tail (your continued help), I will be able to fly my kite ever so high. Thanks!

A special message for you newbies (and tweenies if you are still struggling).
I know that this road you are traveling is not easy. It definately has not been easy for me! However, I want you to know that I am finally feeling like it has all been worth every struggle I have had and won. My 3 month anniversary was a huge turning point for me and now today as I become an elder, I feel so much more confident with my quit. Yes, I know that I will still be tempted by the nicodemon; I will still experince a desire to smoke now and then; and I might even still find myself in tears from time to time but, I feel like I can handle those feeling. As stated in `Out of Ashes`, `Desires to smoke are not threats to be avoided. They are opportunities to practice making decisions. And the more you practice, the easier not smoking gets.`
You need to keep fighting your temptations no matter what and you too will find out how very worth while it has been. I am hoping to see each and everyone of you in the Elder Lodge one of these days! You can do it! Just remember: N.O.P.E. (not one puff ever).

Thanks again everyone for being the wind beneath my wings!

5/12/04
As I sit here thinking about my 1 year anniversary, I am kind of spellbound! As I state in my profile, when I joined the Q, I was sure that it was not going to work. Nothing else I had ever tried had worked to get me to stop smoking! Why should this?

I guess, that I had never really experienced the true power of friends! I give the ppl I have met here at the Q ALL the credit for me remaining quit for a whole year. I know what you are thinking. I was the one who did it! I was the one who did not smoke! What you don’t realize, is that I really did not want to quit. At best, I thought that after everyone thought that I had quit, then I could be a “closet smoker”. I remained quit because all of you were so nice to me that I didn’t want to let you down. Also, I started trying to help others with their quit because I knew that was what I was expected to do. Sheeeeesssssshhhhhh!!!! Was I ever a mixed up senior citizen!!!!!! Once I started helping others, I decided I’d better do what I was preaching! When this wasn’t enough to keep me going, I went back to my friends for help and they were always ready and willing to take my hand and lead me back on the right track.

So, you can see that I did not do anything right when I first joined but was able to remain quit in spite of myself. Therefore, I truly feel that if I could do it, anyone can do it!

For me, the biggest factor has been LOVE! Love that has been expressed to me in friendship, caring, support, concern and so much more. Let all of us remember to show love to one another. Daniel O’Donnell, an Irish tenor, has a song that does an excellent job of expressing this:

“Give a little love
Show them that you care
And when they need you most
Let them know you’re there.
Give a little love
Fill their lives with hope.
All it takes is just a little love!”

I would like to end by thanking ALL of you who are responsible for me being able to celebrate my 1 year anniversary today. Those who played a big role and took me by the hand in Q-mail, pc, and by phone; those who gave me support and encouragement in the chat room; those who made me laugh in the chat room when I was wanting to cry (and sometimes was); and those who wrote thought-provoking posts or posts asking me to pledge not to smoke for a day or a week-end. My list of people I would like to thank includes veteran quitters; those who quit about the same time I did; and newbies - some as new as only a week or two quit. You have all been a tremendous help and I am so grateful to you.

Btw, I think that my attitude has finally changed and I am glad to be quit and don’t plan to smoke again. I know myself though and thus must always be on my guard.

Thanks again to ALL of you!!!!

Barb
1 year


11/12/04

I wasn’t really planning on writing a ramble today but then I thought about the fact that I was not here for my 500 day anni. (on vacation) so maybe I should.

I truly cannot believe that it has been a year and a half since I had my last cigarette! Even though I wanted to quit because I knew I should for my health, at the same time I did not want to quit! Is this a contradiction? NO! As with most of you, I enjoyed smoking because of how I thought it made me feel. It calmed my nerves when I was stressed; it made me better accept sadness when it entered my life; smoking helped me to celebrate happy times better; the cigarette was my friend!!! Isn’t that ridiculous??? Smoking does none of those things!!! Do I still have these false conceptions of cigarettes? Yes I do!!! I’m sorry to say that I continue to have to fight the nicodemon! Newbies, I don’t want to discourage you. Not everyone continues to struggle this long but I do want you to know that even with prolonged conflict, you can remain quit. Because of this, I feel that I am so much stronger today in matters that aren’t even associated with smoking! I look at this as a plus!!!

I cannot write a ramble without letting you know how I feel concerning the Q! When I first heard about the Q on CNN I looked it up on the computer and signed up. My attitude was: “This will never work. Nothing else ever has!!!!” How wrong I was!!!! This site is soooo awesome!!! The motivational tools; the clubs; forums; chat rooms; and information is all wonderful! However, the BEST part of the Q are the members here who have given so much support, advice, and laughter! So many have become such good friends who are like family. I have been privileged to meet 7 of these friends in 3D and am going to get to meet so many more in Boston in April! Thanks to all of you who have helped me reach this 18 month milestone! I am forever grateful to you!!!!

Newbies, quitting smoking is worth every bit of struggle you have to go through to remain quit! Hang in there! Make friends; read profiles; and come to the quit for support. There are so many really wonderful ppl here to help you. All you have to do is ask.

I want to leave you with the words of a song sung by Daniel O’Donnall and a quote that I have written in my Q notebook. I have no idea who said it, but I like it and try to remember it in my daily life. “Happiness is NOT having what you want but wanting what you have.”

“I`m going to live, laugh, love, just for today.
Going to take all the trouble that tomorrow might bring and put it away.
Going to drink ever drop happiness til they cover me up.
I`m going to live, going to laugh, going to love.

Give a little love.
Show them that you care.
And when they need you most
Let them know you’re there.
Give a little love.
Fill there lives with hope.
All it take is just a little love.”

.......there are so many here who need our love!

Barb
18 months

I did not realize that I had used the words of the same song in my 1 yr. ramble. Guess I really do like it. LOL





Sadly, Barb passed away before updating her profile. She was 20 monts quit. Barb was loved by many people and we will all miss her.



In memory of Barb - a special dedication to Barb created by Peter_is_in.